30: Discover your relationship attachment style with Serafin Upton

As the saying goes, “Love is a verb,” and healthy relationships require intention, attention, time, and care. However, from our Clearhead data, we can see out of all of the people on our platform who said they were struggling with mental health challenges due to personal reasons, “General Relationship Struggles,” “Family Difficulties,” and “Partner Difficulties” were the top 3 issues people were dealing with. To help us grasp a greater understanding of what a fulfilling relationship should look like, how we can find them, and more importantly how to maintain them, our expert guest today is Serafin Upton.

Serafin’s biography:

Serafin Upton has worked in New Zealand and Australia as a family, couples' and sex therapist for over 20 years. On top of her extensive experience and qualifications, she has also trained under world-renowned sex and relationship therapists Esther Perel and Terry Real.

In this episode, we dive deep into answering the following thorny questions:

00:00 - Intro
01:55 - Serafin’s journey to becoming a couples, child, family, and sex therapist
03:25 - What is the common fear that everyone has regardless of their stage of life
04:40 - What are the skills you need to develop to have healthy relationships
06:20 - What is one thing you can do to become more attuned to someone you care about
08:30 - How can you stay present for your romantic partner when you are really busy
10:40 - How reflecting back and following up with your partner is key
12:30 - Can your attachment style change depending on the relationship?
14:05 - How to develop a secure attachment style if you have an avoidant attachment style
16:15 - How to develop a secure attachment style if you have an anxious attachment style
17:45 - How does emotional intimacy vs physical intimacy change over time in long term relationships
22:20 - Tips on how to create space for romance and connection in long term relationships
24:05 - Should making time for fun in a relationship be scheduled or spontaneous
26:10 - Advice for developing connection for people who are single
27:35 - How to deal with rejection in online dating such as ‘ghosting’
29:15 - Are we meant to be single or in relationships
33:15 - Is there a difference between being lonely vs being alone
35:45 - How your fear of being judged or misunderstood prevents you from developing meaningful relationships
37:05 - How to build your tolerance to being vulnerable when sharing in a relationship
38:45 - Tips on conflict management in relationships
43:30 - Do the type of fights you see in movies happen in real life
45:20 - How do you get someone who is conflict avoidant to express their needs
47:30 - When is the best time to raise issues you have with your partner
49:00 - How do you not get defensive when someone raises an issue with you
50:50 - Why is it important to let someone know if you think they are in an abusive or toxic relationship
53:40 - How does Serafin assess if someone is in an abusive relationship
55:35 - What are examples of psychological violence in a relationship
57:00 - What are the red flags that signal you should leave an abusive relationship
58:25 - What is the impact of relationship on our mental health
59:50 - What is Serafin’s one wellbeing practice

Learn more about Serafin:
https://serafinupton.co.nz

Learn more about Clearhead:
https://www.myclearhead.com/

Hosted by Dr Angela Lim, Clearhead co-founder and medical doctor, Clear the Air is a mental health and wellbeing podcast covering those experiences in your life or questions you have that you feel too vulnerable to share with those around you.

We speak with experts to share the science behind what you’re experiencing and explore the answers to those questions. Together we get real and raw on the existential questions covering mental health and wellbeing that have puzzled humans for millennia.

Follow the podcast to get notified as we drop new episodes monthly.

Clearhead is an innovative employee wellbeing platform with a social mission to ensure personalised mental health and wellbeing support is accessible to everyone. Making it easier for you to build self-awareness and be guided to either digital self-help tools or book therapy on the Clearhead platform when and where you need it.


Have a burning question about mental health that you want us to answer?
Email us at [email protected], or visit our website: www.myclearhead.com

• No. of episodes: 34
• Latest episode: 2025-06-27
• Health & Fitness Mental Health

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